Loitering

This taste...
this taste, in my mouth
it lingers
tarrying as it tears apart my insides

A flavor that is more potent
than that of onions, and garlic
Their afterthought is still a "present-thought"
by the way they loiter around my tastebuds
clinging to the thought of a livelihood
that was chewed up long ago

The irony of this acrid, acidity is that
This sulfur: in "the now"
satiated me: in "the then"
with its infantile sweetness.
The taste...

The taste began as juicy and as promising
as delight found in a Navel Orange.
A goblet of goodness past its skin.

Though I've found that once-again...
The rinds have stuck in my teeth.

The once delicious, has soured.
Undergone memory-metamorphasis.

I can't get rid of its membrane! Clinging...
Clinging to between my teeth and gums
like that of irritating gristle after a good steak.
and I'm stuck...

I'm stuck with this flavor...

I'm quite ready to savor the rigors of life-floss, soul-wash,
and a gentle scrubbing of my heart.





Greggy-D

Cup of tea waltz

The water’s boiled
The timing is right
For my thoughts and some tea
By the night’s candlelight

I could drown out the world
With my herbal-brewed spice
Thinkin’ things are so strange
But, “Oh, this is nice”

And by the time I’ve come ‘round
To know my place with myself
I know I’ll be feeling alright

Yes, I am feeling alright.

Greggy-D

Powerful

If God's power is made evident in my weakness, then he is POWERFULLY working in my life. Lately there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of dependence on Him.

I will boast all the more in my imperfections because it is through my weaknesses that His strength is revealed, and made perfect.

It seems like there are so many things that are making me "knee-bent" lately; to relinquish my abilities and control in prayer.

I drove by a middle school today that an old highschool friend of mine went to. It was hard being reminded of her because it brings up so much emotion. She was killed by a drunk driver in 2004 and I am still upset about it. I'm mad with God. I'm frustrated to think that she may have died not knowing Jesus and may not be in Heaven right now. I never knew about the accident until months later and I wish I could have gone to her funeral.

One of our mutual friends was at church tonight. It was good to talk to her. She had been able to attend the funeral, but she admitted that not knowing where our friend stood spiritually was a hard thing about the funeral.

Jesus is teaching me many things about the role he plays in my life, and the needs I have that he satisfies... well basically how only HE can fit in that position. There is no substitute. I'm living on my own (let me clarify... without any roommates) for the first time in my life. It's very hard for me. God is using this time to mold and shape me into a more "Godly" man than I already am. I think he's also using it restore me. I'm a big crier and the last few living/social situations that I've been in were very hindering when it came to me feeling safe enough to be that vulnerable. It's me and God now (and my pet cockatiel;-) and it's safe to cry at ANY time. So... I'm doing it more often.

Here are a few thoughts which comfort me on the subject from an email a friend sent me a while back:

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly and destroys." - Christian Nevell Bovee
"Let your tears come when they do. Let them water your soul." - Eileen Mayhew "Time engraves our faces with all the tears we've felt but have not shed." - Natalie Clifford Barney "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are like rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, gently soaking and softening our hardened hearts." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

"I run across many people who are afraid to let themselves really cry - afraid that it might look weak and pathetic, afraid that they might never be able to stop, sick and tired of the constant feeling of wanting to, and therefore not truly "allowing" themselves to. But we have the desire to cry for a reason. God gave us this ability for a reason, and it is a blessing, and it has a sacred purpose, so let the tears flow whenever the urge hits. Forget all of the invalid programming of your past, about what's allowed and what's not, what's strong and what's not. Tears are the necessary lubricant of the heart and the place in which the deepest connection to God and each other is possible." - Jim Spivey


It is one of the deepest challenges we face as men. It is my hope that in my ability to fearlessly approach vulnerability... that that is attractive and not viewed as weak or pathetic. That it in turn is what sets apart a "real man" as opposed to one is afraid to cry. This is my hope and my fear at the same time. That latter quote is especially encouraging.

How long has it been since you cried?

My only other thoughts/encouragement comes again from my friend that wrote the email to me:

"For the person who can't start crying and wants to, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it go". It will be hard, spiritual, counter-cultural work for sure. And for the person who can't seem to keep from crying, welling up in tears from the smallest things, and you want to stop, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it all go".

Greggy-D

possible song...

I’ve danced a lot of dreams
Past the evergreen’s meadow
In springtime

She’s out there somewhere
Coaxing me to the water’s edge
Again

Come the floods of emotion
The rush of it all
The rapids always entice me

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind.

Tattered rock’s edges lent
To the ebb and the flow
Have been smoothed over with time

Take hold of my hand
As the waters carve forward
Let the adventure begin
Oh, Let the adventure begin

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind

New Creation

Broken vessels all are we

Wounded Warriors

Pottery

My wasted heart

These dry tear evenings

Need some God-healing

Epoxy for my soul

I'm learning a lot about God's role in my life. There are places and ways that Jesus fits into the mix where no one else possibly can in my life. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it is also to His glory that only HE can fully satisfy.

The poem above isn't necessarily written out of this vain of thought. I wrote a couple of days ago and just wanted to be sure it got posted. If you see the correlation or not it wasn't intentional.

I heard a powerful sermon a while back about how God makes us a NEW creation. The concept goes like this: I think when we think about about that we think about "newness" in terms of a new timeline, a fresh start, beginning again; However, God's making of us as a "new creation" is more radical than that. Going with the poem illustration...

if we are broken vessels, it's not like the cracks and fissures just went away and we are another new pot/vessel. It's like going from being a broken vessel, to being a bannana, or a parachute, or something else... it's not a fixing of the old thing just to get a fresh beginning at being that old thing again. No. It is a complete and utter transformation into something COMPLETELY...

New.

I'll forever be a student of two things: What it truly means to be a follower of Jesus...

and women.

My New Year's Thoughts...

To quote someone close:

“You ready?!? Well… HERE WE GO! Another trip around the sun!!!” Kind of like that moment just as you coast over the very top of the first drop on a roller coaster.

I don’t really want to make any new year’s resolutions. I don’t want to have any intentions of grandiose ideas that I’m not sure that I can keep. I think it’s a whole lot better to have periodic assessments of myself and do my best to determine what areas of my life that I could improve upon. Something I have been pondering a lot lately is what are the areas of my life that are idols- anything that I pay more attention to over God; anything that I make more important to me than Him. I can think of a few… pride (anything “ME” centered); course doesn’t that some it up? I mean it seems to be at the root of anything else. I guess I’ll leave it at that. Bottom line is… I’m learning that a lot of my struggles (read… “self-inflicted heartache”), have to do with a lack of worship, or in general a lack of Jesus-focus. How can I run a straight course if I’m looking at my feet the whole time as opposed to the finish line?

Jesus never claimed that following Him is easy. It’s not, but it’s good.

Happy New Year, and HERE WE GO!!!

WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeee……..!

Lost song...

So it's been a long time coming. A buddy of mine taught me this song a LONG time ago and lost the lyrics several years back. I've since tried to rekindle them in my memory but alas to no avail. Tonight, however, I found the ORIGINAL, hand-written copy of the tune that my buddy wrote out for me. I only know it as "The Notre Dame Song." Namely, because a couple of guys from Notre Dame wrote the tune. At least that's what I was told when he taught it to me. If you are the author or know of the author please let me know. I'd love to know the story behind it. Anyway, here's the tune. I love it. Seems appropriate for where I am right now anyway... to quote another bud of mine "POSAS"

Enjoy!...

"Notre Dame Song"
-unknown

V1. Just say there was a guy who
Who really like you and
More than a feeling just say
Just say he love you
But the strength was never there
To let you know how much he cared

V2. Maybe he was self-conscious
So insecure in all this
When you're around him he's a wreck.
Maybe that's something you like to do
For waht you put him through
It was all for nothing.

C. When all he wanted was to
Be in love with you
But you just kept leading him on
Well come on, well come on
Somebody might love you

V3. Just say he was a friend who
you grew to be with
and was good to talk to whne you had the time
You never heard it in his voice,
All the times he said nothing

V4. Maybe you like having him wait at your doorstep
Take you to dinner and try to kiss you goodnight
You never noticed in his eyes
although he claims he never cries, and he does

C. When all he wanted was to
Be in love with you
But you just kept leading him on
Well come on, well come on
Somebody might love you

V5. Just say he looked like me and you never noticed it
And maybe he's leaving and it could be forever
Well you probably wouldn't care
'Cause it was like he was never there

V6. Maybe you should think some more
And see what you're doing, know all the troubles
and feel what you've lost
'Cause it would never happen again, even if I wasn't him.

Timing...

So... God's sovereignty seems to be carried out in his rule of timing. At least... that's one of my opinions related to the subject matter. I've been "in between" jobs for a while now and God has absolutely taken care of me- from providing for my basic needs to providing to my deeper needs He is my source. I'm going to be moving soon as yet another one of my roommates is getting married. Go figure. I'm looking into getting my own apartment, to the best of my knowledge I will be starting to work full-time next week. I'm excited. God is good. New chapters in life are fun... yet challenging. But He is ever-faithful.

Dependency...

Greggy-D

"God LOVES it when we take risks... it makes us depend on Him"

This is something that I've heard before. I know it's truth firsthand. Though it was brought up again in a recent conversation related to my future with my former boss here at the church where I've been working. The first decision I have to make is whether I stay in the area and look for a job (which is near to friends, and where I've made considerable connections over the past year), or move home to my folks place and look for job there. It's risky to stay here in the area. My money situation is almost nil... I don't have the next job yet. I know that staying here would make me more dependent on God than if I were to move home. For that reason... I feel like maybe I should stick around. It's where my network is right now too - which is considerable (at least to my advantage).

At any rate... I was praying this morning for God to just provide for me. He is and shall... I need to depend on Him more. Just ten minutes ago or so... I got an offer for my taking on another student in private music lessons. God amazes...

Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus. Give me the faith to take risks for you.

Joy Robber

Greggy-D There is no reason for a "blah" day. Today may have felt that way, but there is no reason for it. There is plenty to be excited about. I take joy in the sheer fact that I am heir to the throne; a son of God; His creation... sometimes my joy is still a decision. If I don't decide upon it I may leave room for my joy being stolen by the deceitfulness of the Evil One. I give in. Believe his lies, but truth prevails and I decide on joy. Life's "mediocrity" is no more than a lack of vision... a miopia, focused only on the shorthand and not the eternal. My purpose in life is bigger than I can realize on any given day or series of days strung together. I am loved eternally and infinitely. So much that my creator (let alone that He also created EVERYTHING)... gave his own life so that I could be with Him.

Jesus, I am yours. You are the joy giver, and it is you whom I decide upon.

Nothing beats a road trip with some college friends. This is from our day hike to the summit of Half Dome in Yosemite. The line going down the middle of the rock is a mix of cables and people :-)

Bruce, Kelly, Ben, and Myself. We made it! Whew... tiring and stressful! 

I made it to the top of half dome! Nothing like snow caps in June! 

Going down was SO much easier than coming up... even as intimidating as this looks! Those trees below are probably at LEAST 30 feet high.

Practicing the pursuit of God.

Greggy-DSo, I'm realizing tonight (after having some distractions removed) how I have been trying to fill the companionship that has been lacking between me and God...with people. Sometimes it's good to take a hot bath to relax the body and let the mind meditate... to just "be still and know that I am God."

I feel like my pursuit of other people would be much more fulfilling if I was already fulfilled. I could serve and love them better that way. I need to practice pursuing God, to learn more about how he is constantly pursuing me, before I may adequately pursue others for whatever the relationship may be: friends, family, or even romance.

Help me to heed to your gentle, loving call, Jesus.

Embrace the mystery; Finding oneself in being lost

I just watched The Motorcycle Diaries tonight. Wonderful movie. It's the kind of thing that is great to watch with friends, but at the same time makes you want to be by yourself to have some serious introverted reflection time.

It makes me wait with much more anticipation for our road trip. I leave in about a week. I'm actually a little bit nervous. I don't know if I'm ready, but I'm also excited to go. I hope that me and my friends don't get on each other's nerves. 12 days is a LONG time to hang out with anyone.

I was hoping to write some more tonight, but sleepiness is setting in and my thoughts are eluding me. As far as the title of this entry... I hope it kind of speaks for itself. I'm looking forward to losing ourselves on purpose in the wilderness in Yosemite, but thinking that I'll find myself some in doing this. We should have a blast. I don't know that I've ever done anything like this and it should be quite the adventure.

phosphor bronze...nickel wound...

Greggy-D

Recently, I've replaced the guitar strings on my electric guitar and acoustic guitar. It's quite refreshing. I need to write more. Music is such a release for me... as is writing. I think I find myself or at least the core of who I am in those things.

I think one of the humbling things to know in life is that there is always more. I could look at where I am and be totally dissatisfied because I'm not "there" yet. Not seeking righteousness, not pursuing to serve God and others, not having carved a path or figured out exactly what I want in life...

In all these and more if I begin to think that I have arrived or have achieved "there" than please, someone humble me quick. It gives me a strange hope to know that I won't attain perfection on my own. That there is always something more...

I await eternity with great expectation.

I will see Jesus and I will live out all my days with Him. Both here and there. Heaven and eternity are the "there" that these days press ever towards. This life is but a breath.

Belated birthday...

Greggy-D
It's been over a month... That's too long for sure. My health came back to normal from the ear infection stuff. It's the kind of thing that would be like watching grass grow. Little by little until you are facing a different reality - in this case a very positive one. My birthday was exactly a week ago today. My golden birthday to be exact. Twenty five on the 25th. It carries a sort of "weighty-ness" to it. It was a good day. Birthday lunch with the youth staff and a dinner with friends. I'm keenly aware of my mid-twenties state though.

I haven't had a "Happy New Day" in quite some time. I miss those roommate bonding moments.

I'm not exactly where I thought I would be by now which is ok, but sort of not either. I'm in the midst of "carving" a path right now. The next step decision is soon approaching. Faith Community Church has offered me the position of staying on for two more months and I have accepted.

I guess some of the latest exciting things are:
Youth Sunday is coming up this weekend, and also a crawfish boil.
Summer backpacking trip to Yosemite N.P. with some buds.
New Headlamp and I won an auction on ebay today for some backpacking cook-gear.

Faithfulness and discipline are things I always need more of. G'nite

All things new...

Greggy-D

Middle ear infections in both ears. Early, early signs of what could turn into pneumonia. That's what I was told yesterday from a diagnosis. Started antibiotics, though today my right ear has felt like a balloon was inflated behind it the whole day.

I feel like God is doing a lot with me right now. New passions, new health, and a new heart. I'm priveleged to serve the same creator of me as the Creator of all. He knows best how to make all things new.

Music speak

On kuhf tonight they played "La Fille Aux Cheveux De Lin" by Debussy. Indeed this is the sound of my soul's heartbeat tonight. If the depth of my emotions could be expressed through notes... this would be it.

For right now at least...

as with life, things keep changing.
Greggy-D