This taste...
this taste, in my mouth
it lingers
tarrying as it tears apart my insides
A flavor that is more potent
than that of onions, and garlic
Their afterthought is still a "present-thought"
by the way they loiter around my tastebuds
clinging to the thought of a livelihood
that was chewed up long ago
The irony of this acrid, acidity is that
This sulfur: in "the now"
satiated me: in "the then"
with its infantile sweetness.
The taste...
The taste began as juicy and as promising
as delight found in a Navel Orange.
A goblet of goodness past its skin.
Though I've found that once-again...
The rinds have stuck in my teeth.
The once delicious, has soured.
Undergone memory-metamorphasis.
I can't get rid of its membrane! Clinging...
Clinging to between my teeth and gums
like that of irritating gristle after a good steak.
and I'm stuck...
I'm stuck with this flavor...
I'm quite ready to savor the rigors of life-floss, soul-wash,
and a gentle scrubbing of my heart.
Greggy-D
Monday, January 30, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Cup of tea waltz
The water’s boiled
The timing is right
For my thoughts and some tea
By the night’s candlelight
With my herbal-brewed spice
Thinkin’ things are so strange
But, “Oh, this is nice”
And by the time I’ve come ‘round
To know my place with myself
I know I’ll be feeling alright
Yes, I am feeling alright.
Greggy-D
Powerful
If God's power is made evident in my weakness, then he is POWERFULLY working in my life. Lately there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of dependence on Him.
I will boast all the more in my imperfections because it is through my weaknesses that His strength is revealed, and made perfect.
It seems like there are so many things that are making me "knee-bent" lately; to relinquish my abilities and control in prayer.
I drove by a middle school today that an old highschool friend of mine went to. It was hard being reminded of her because it brings up so much emotion. She was killed by a drunk driver in 2004 and I am still upset about it. I'm mad with God. I'm frustrated to think that she may have died not knowing Jesus and may not be in Heaven right now. I never knew about the accident until months later and I wish I could have gone to her funeral.
One of our mutual friends was at church tonight. It was good to talk to her. She had been able to attend the funeral, but she admitted that not knowing where our friend stood spiritually was a hard thing about the funeral.
Jesus is teaching me many things about the role he plays in my life, and the needs I have that he satisfies... well basically how only HE can fit in that position. There is no substitute. I'm living on my own (let me clarify... without any roommates) for the first time in my life. It's very hard for me. God is using this time to mold and shape me into a more "Godly" man than I already am. I think he's also using it restore me. I'm a big crier and the last few living/social situations that I've been in were very hindering when it came to me feeling safe enough to be that vulnerable. It's me and God now (and my pet cockatiel;-) and it's safe to cry at ANY time. So... I'm doing it more often.
Here are a few thoughts which comfort me on the subject from an email a friend sent me a while back:
"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly and destroys." - Christian Nevell Bovee
"Let your tears come when they do. Let them water your soul." - Eileen Mayhew "Time engraves our faces with all the tears we've felt but have not shed." - Natalie Clifford Barney "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are like rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, gently soaking and softening our hardened hearts." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860
"I run across many people who are afraid to let themselves really cry - afraid that it might look weak and pathetic, afraid that they might never be able to stop, sick and tired of the constant feeling of wanting to, and therefore not truly "allowing" themselves to. But we have the desire to cry for a reason. God gave us this ability for a reason, and it is a blessing, and it has a sacred purpose, so let the tears flow whenever the urge hits. Forget all of the invalid programming of your past, about what's allowed and what's not, what's strong and what's not. Tears are the necessary lubricant of the heart and the place in which the deepest connection to God and each other is possible." - Jim Spivey
It is one of the deepest challenges we face as men. It is my hope that in my ability to fearlessly approach vulnerability... that that is attractive and not viewed as weak or pathetic. That it in turn is what sets apart a "real man" as opposed to one is afraid to cry. This is my hope and my fear at the same time. That latter quote is especially encouraging.
How long has it been since you cried?
My only other thoughts/encouragement comes again from my friend that wrote the email to me:
"For the person who can't start crying and wants to, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it go". It will be hard, spiritual, counter-cultural work for sure. And for the person who can't seem to keep from crying, welling up in tears from the smallest things, and you want to stop, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it all go".
Greggy-D
I will boast all the more in my imperfections because it is through my weaknesses that His strength is revealed, and made perfect.
It seems like there are so many things that are making me "knee-bent" lately; to relinquish my abilities and control in prayer.
I drove by a middle school today that an old highschool friend of mine went to. It was hard being reminded of her because it brings up so much emotion. She was killed by a drunk driver in 2004 and I am still upset about it. I'm mad with God. I'm frustrated to think that she may have died not knowing Jesus and may not be in Heaven right now. I never knew about the accident until months later and I wish I could have gone to her funeral.
One of our mutual friends was at church tonight. It was good to talk to her. She had been able to attend the funeral, but she admitted that not knowing where our friend stood spiritually was a hard thing about the funeral.
Jesus is teaching me many things about the role he plays in my life, and the needs I have that he satisfies... well basically how only HE can fit in that position. There is no substitute. I'm living on my own (let me clarify... without any roommates) for the first time in my life. It's very hard for me. God is using this time to mold and shape me into a more "Godly" man than I already am. I think he's also using it restore me. I'm a big crier and the last few living/social situations that I've been in were very hindering when it came to me feeling safe enough to be that vulnerable. It's me and God now (and my pet cockatiel;-) and it's safe to cry at ANY time. So... I'm doing it more often.
Here are a few thoughts which comfort me on the subject from an email a friend sent me a while back:
"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly and destroys." - Christian Nevell Bovee
"Let your tears come when they do. Let them water your soul." - Eileen Mayhew "Time engraves our faces with all the tears we've felt but have not shed." - Natalie Clifford Barney "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are like rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, gently soaking and softening our hardened hearts." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860
"I run across many people who are afraid to let themselves really cry - afraid that it might look weak and pathetic, afraid that they might never be able to stop, sick and tired of the constant feeling of wanting to, and therefore not truly "allowing" themselves to. But we have the desire to cry for a reason. God gave us this ability for a reason, and it is a blessing, and it has a sacred purpose, so let the tears flow whenever the urge hits. Forget all of the invalid programming of your past, about what's allowed and what's not, what's strong and what's not. Tears are the necessary lubricant of the heart and the place in which the deepest connection to God and each other is possible." - Jim Spivey
It is one of the deepest challenges we face as men. It is my hope that in my ability to fearlessly approach vulnerability... that that is attractive and not viewed as weak or pathetic. That it in turn is what sets apart a "real man" as opposed to one is afraid to cry. This is my hope and my fear at the same time. That latter quote is especially encouraging.
How long has it been since you cried?
My only other thoughts/encouragement comes again from my friend that wrote the email to me:
"For the person who can't start crying and wants to, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it go". It will be hard, spiritual, counter-cultural work for sure. And for the person who can't seem to keep from crying, welling up in tears from the smallest things, and you want to stop, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it all go".
possible song...
I’ve danced a lot of dreams
Past the evergreen’s meadow
In springtime
She’s out there somewhere
Coaxing me to the water’s edge
Again
Come the floods of emotion
The rush of it all
The rapids always entice me
Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind.
Tattered rock’s edges lent
To the ebb and the flow
Have been smoothed over with time
Take hold of my hand
As the waters carve forward
Let the adventure begin
Oh, Let the adventure begin
Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind
Saturday, January 07, 2006
New Creation
Broken vessels all are we
Wounded Warriors
Pottery
My wasted heart
These dry tear evenings
Need some God-healing
Epoxy for my soul
I'm learning a lot about God's role in my life. There are places and ways that Jesus fits into the mix where no one else possibly can in my life. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it is also to His glory that only HE can fully satisfy.
The poem above isn't necessarily written out of this vain of thought. I wrote a couple of days ago and just wanted to be sure it got posted. If you see the correlation or not it wasn't intentional.
I heard a powerful sermon a while back about how God makes us a NEW creation. The concept goes like this: I think when we think about about that we think about "newness" in terms of a new timeline, a fresh start, beginning again; However, God's making of us as a "new creation" is more radical than that. Going with the poem illustration...
if we are broken vessels, it's not like the cracks and fissures just went away and we are another new pot/vessel. It's like going from being a broken vessel, to being a bannana, or a parachute, or something else... it's not a fixing of the old thing just to get a fresh beginning at being that old thing again. No. It is a complete and utter transformation into something COMPLETELY...
New.
I'll forever be a student of two things: What it truly means to be a follower of Jesus...
and women.
Monday, January 02, 2006
My New Year's Thoughts...
To quote someone close:
“You ready?!? Well… HERE WE GO! Another trip around the sun!!!” Kind of like that moment just as you coast over the very top of the first drop on a roller coaster.
I don’t really want to make any new year’s resolutions. I don’t want to have any intentions of grandiose ideas that I’m not sure that I can keep. I think it’s a whole lot better to have periodic assessments of myself and do my best to determine what areas of my life that I could improve upon. Something I have been pondering a lot lately is what are the areas of my life that are idols- anything that I pay more attention to over God; anything that I make more important to me than Him. I can think of a few… pride (anything “ME” centered); course doesn’t that some it up? I mean it seems to be at the root of anything else. I guess I’ll leave it at that. Bottom line is… I’m learning that a lot of my struggles (read… “self-inflicted heartache”), have to do with a lack of worship, or in general a lack of Jesus-focus. How can I run a straight course if I’m looking at my feet the whole time as opposed to the finish line?
Jesus never claimed that following Him is easy. It’s not, but it’s good.
Happy New Year, and HERE WE GO!!!
WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeee……..!
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