Another single Saturday night...

Well, I didn't get around to it, maybe I will tomorrow. I was going to watch a movie about Charlie Parker. I did start it, but then I got distracted and lost in my thoughts.

I suppose I just need some sleep. I kind of enjoy these pondersome evenings though. It's a nice chance to reflect on things, and relax. Speaking of... a cup of tea sounds nice right about now. I'll have to do that after I wrap it up here.

***

Jesus, I need you. Fill my heart. Fill this time. Lead me beside quiet waters this evening and let the beginning of tomorrow stir my soul towards you. Help me to die to self... "for to live is Christ and to die is gain"

Thank you for the blessings lately... they've been tremendous :-) You are awesome. May I celebrate in your love for me.

Greggy-D

I had one of the best birthday outings! I went out for sushi with a long time friend and my mom. Afterwards we went to a coffee house where there was an open jazz jam. Of course... I brought my trombone so that I could join in ;-)

Makes my heart flip! I loved it! One of my buddies was able to make it out and then he and I just went to a wine bar to try out a vino rojo. Great ambiance the ENTIRE evening and great conversation. I got home and there was a calming rain for finishing touches. Absolutely wonderful.

Throughout yesterday there were birthday messages in phone calls, ecards, and emails. It was like lil' love sprinklings :-) OH! And when I checked my mail when I got home there was a package of chocolates that was mailed to me from my apartment complex! I was impressed.

Hopefully the celebration will continue throughout the rest of this week... I think I'm gonna be able to out with friends for dinner and live jazz tomorrow, and this weekend will probably be celebrating with the fam.

It doesn't get much better :-) I feel loved.

Laundry...

Do you ever feel like your laundry soap actually includes a shot of miracle grow? I mean... this stuff just seems to keep on coming! (laundry chores that is...)

It's probably one of my least favorite things. I like ironing, and I don't mind loading/unloading the washer and dryer it's just the folding and hanging of articles that I really don't care for.

Baby steps... baby steps...

:-)


Greggy-D

Watering my soul...

I haven't cried in a while, but I do today. Maybe it's the rain... or it could be just this subtle, yet persistant way that God is loving on me. "I love you and because you are mine..."

Jesus waters my soul with these moist cheeks. Though, I'm not sad. Discontent - maybe, but in a good way. I'm in one of the most wonderful places that I can be as a follower of Christ.

I have this insatiable desire to love others, that they would know Jesus more. I long to do ministry, but I feel that right now I'm in a holding pattern waiting for God to flag me down in order to give me instructions in the next part of this journey. He is making me more like himself throughout this process. It is hard. It is rich. It is worth it.

Jesus is my river of life.

Training...

Well, I've signed up to do my first triathlon. May 6th and counting down...

Jogged yesterday, and did my first swim training last night - 350 meters. This morning I biked 17miles. Hopefully as the training continues the actual event won't pose too much of a formidable task.

;-) Maybe I should grow a 'stache like this guy --->

Triathlon registration ~ $70
Gym membership ~40/mo.
Aerodynamic Facial Hair - No. Getting attention for the retro 'stache - Priceless.

When this is all said and done, I'll be the trimmest and in the best shape of my life. I don't have a moustache but I've got the beard thing going on.

I'm loving the challenge!

Brokenness

God you are SO good to me, yet so frustrating at the same time because of my lack of understanding. There are broken relationships in my life that I am helpless to heal or mend to what they used to be. I'm not really even desire the "what used to be"...

I desire NEW - from- OLD.

I just hate the chasm between those that have hurt me and myself. It feels impossible to traverse. I long for the healing and desire mutual laughter, but the fear of being hurt again subsides any wreckless abandon to forge a rope bridge. I don't want to be burned again.

A NEW creation out of the ashes...

Jesus, please be the bearer of the burden of my grief. Your grace is radiant and sufficient.

A Website...

So I thoroughly enjoy writing. I "stumbled upon" this great website for all you creative types: www.oneword.com

Check it out. It's worth a visit. It may help with those late night writers' blocks.

Greggy-D

Practice night

I was going to go see Br549 tonight. Them and the Avett Brothers... It would've been a great concert. Timing is such that I have to practice. There'll be other concerts...

Clean Slate

Instead of going to try out bikes again this weekend; Instead of going out to lunch with new friends; Instead of letting hurt settle into the broken places...

I took some time this afternoon to sit outside, play guitar, and enjoy the weather. I was purposefully going out there to do some songwriting; however, sometimes the most cathartic thing isn't so much the writing as it is having the clean slate - more ways than one in my life right now.

Well, I'm in the process of selecting a new bicycle. I took one out today and took a spill. It's been a long time since I've had some road rash going on... it's a good feeling to be getting myself out there. "Bones knit, wounds heal, and chicks dig scars." It's a challenging thing to find one with the right frame size and the right geometry, but it will be worth it. I look forward to hitting the pavement and hitting the trails. I hope to learn a lot more about cyclocross. Maybe I'll do a race this winter...

We'll see ;-)

Loitering

This taste...
this taste, in my mouth
it lingers
tarrying as it tears apart my insides

A flavor that is more potent
than that of onions, and garlic
Their afterthought is still a "present-thought"
by the way they loiter around my tastebuds
clinging to the thought of a livelihood
that was chewed up long ago

The irony of this acrid, acidity is that
This sulfur: in "the now"
satiated me: in "the then"
with its infantile sweetness.
The taste...

The taste began as juicy and as promising
as delight found in a Navel Orange.
A goblet of goodness past its skin.

Though I've found that once-again...
The rinds have stuck in my teeth.

The once delicious, has soured.
Undergone memory-metamorphasis.

I can't get rid of its membrane! Clinging...
Clinging to between my teeth and gums
like that of irritating gristle after a good steak.
and I'm stuck...

I'm stuck with this flavor...

I'm quite ready to savor the rigors of life-floss, soul-wash,
and a gentle scrubbing of my heart.





Greggy-D

Cup of tea waltz

The water’s boiled
The timing is right
For my thoughts and some tea
By the night’s candlelight

I could drown out the world
With my herbal-brewed spice
Thinkin’ things are so strange
But, “Oh, this is nice”

And by the time I’ve come ‘round
To know my place with myself
I know I’ll be feeling alright

Yes, I am feeling alright.

Greggy-D

Powerful

If God's power is made evident in my weakness, then he is POWERFULLY working in my life. Lately there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of dependence on Him.

I will boast all the more in my imperfections because it is through my weaknesses that His strength is revealed, and made perfect.

It seems like there are so many things that are making me "knee-bent" lately; to relinquish my abilities and control in prayer.

I drove by a middle school today that an old highschool friend of mine went to. It was hard being reminded of her because it brings up so much emotion. She was killed by a drunk driver in 2004 and I am still upset about it. I'm mad with God. I'm frustrated to think that she may have died not knowing Jesus and may not be in Heaven right now. I never knew about the accident until months later and I wish I could have gone to her funeral.

One of our mutual friends was at church tonight. It was good to talk to her. She had been able to attend the funeral, but she admitted that not knowing where our friend stood spiritually was a hard thing about the funeral.

Jesus is teaching me many things about the role he plays in my life, and the needs I have that he satisfies... well basically how only HE can fit in that position. There is no substitute. I'm living on my own (let me clarify... without any roommates) for the first time in my life. It's very hard for me. God is using this time to mold and shape me into a more "Godly" man than I already am. I think he's also using it restore me. I'm a big crier and the last few living/social situations that I've been in were very hindering when it came to me feeling safe enough to be that vulnerable. It's me and God now (and my pet cockatiel;-) and it's safe to cry at ANY time. So... I'm doing it more often.

Here are a few thoughts which comfort me on the subject from an email a friend sent me a while back:

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly and destroys." - Christian Nevell Bovee
"Let your tears come when they do. Let them water your soul." - Eileen Mayhew "Time engraves our faces with all the tears we've felt but have not shed." - Natalie Clifford Barney "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are like rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, gently soaking and softening our hardened hearts." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

"I run across many people who are afraid to let themselves really cry - afraid that it might look weak and pathetic, afraid that they might never be able to stop, sick and tired of the constant feeling of wanting to, and therefore not truly "allowing" themselves to. But we have the desire to cry for a reason. God gave us this ability for a reason, and it is a blessing, and it has a sacred purpose, so let the tears flow whenever the urge hits. Forget all of the invalid programming of your past, about what's allowed and what's not, what's strong and what's not. Tears are the necessary lubricant of the heart and the place in which the deepest connection to God and each other is possible." - Jim Spivey


It is one of the deepest challenges we face as men. It is my hope that in my ability to fearlessly approach vulnerability... that that is attractive and not viewed as weak or pathetic. That it in turn is what sets apart a "real man" as opposed to one is afraid to cry. This is my hope and my fear at the same time. That latter quote is especially encouraging.

How long has it been since you cried?

My only other thoughts/encouragement comes again from my friend that wrote the email to me:

"For the person who can't start crying and wants to, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it go". It will be hard, spiritual, counter-cultural work for sure. And for the person who can't seem to keep from crying, welling up in tears from the smallest things, and you want to stop, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it all go".

Greggy-D

possible song...

I’ve danced a lot of dreams
Past the evergreen’s meadow
In springtime

She’s out there somewhere
Coaxing me to the water’s edge
Again

Come the floods of emotion
The rush of it all
The rapids always entice me

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind.

Tattered rock’s edges lent
To the ebb and the flow
Have been smoothed over with time

Take hold of my hand
As the waters carve forward
Let the adventure begin
Oh, Let the adventure begin

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind

New Creation

Broken vessels all are we

Wounded Warriors

Pottery

My wasted heart

These dry tear evenings

Need some God-healing

Epoxy for my soul

I'm learning a lot about God's role in my life. There are places and ways that Jesus fits into the mix where no one else possibly can in my life. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it is also to His glory that only HE can fully satisfy.

The poem above isn't necessarily written out of this vain of thought. I wrote a couple of days ago and just wanted to be sure it got posted. If you see the correlation or not it wasn't intentional.

I heard a powerful sermon a while back about how God makes us a NEW creation. The concept goes like this: I think when we think about about that we think about "newness" in terms of a new timeline, a fresh start, beginning again; However, God's making of us as a "new creation" is more radical than that. Going with the poem illustration...

if we are broken vessels, it's not like the cracks and fissures just went away and we are another new pot/vessel. It's like going from being a broken vessel, to being a bannana, or a parachute, or something else... it's not a fixing of the old thing just to get a fresh beginning at being that old thing again. No. It is a complete and utter transformation into something COMPLETELY...

New.

I'll forever be a student of two things: What it truly means to be a follower of Jesus...

and women.

My New Year's Thoughts...

To quote someone close:

“You ready?!? Well… HERE WE GO! Another trip around the sun!!!” Kind of like that moment just as you coast over the very top of the first drop on a roller coaster.

I don’t really want to make any new year’s resolutions. I don’t want to have any intentions of grandiose ideas that I’m not sure that I can keep. I think it’s a whole lot better to have periodic assessments of myself and do my best to determine what areas of my life that I could improve upon. Something I have been pondering a lot lately is what are the areas of my life that are idols- anything that I pay more attention to over God; anything that I make more important to me than Him. I can think of a few… pride (anything “ME” centered); course doesn’t that some it up? I mean it seems to be at the root of anything else. I guess I’ll leave it at that. Bottom line is… I’m learning that a lot of my struggles (read… “self-inflicted heartache”), have to do with a lack of worship, or in general a lack of Jesus-focus. How can I run a straight course if I’m looking at my feet the whole time as opposed to the finish line?

Jesus never claimed that following Him is easy. It’s not, but it’s good.

Happy New Year, and HERE WE GO!!!

WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeee……..!

Lost song...

So it's been a long time coming. A buddy of mine taught me this song a LONG time ago and lost the lyrics several years back. I've since tried to rekindle them in my memory but alas to no avail. Tonight, however, I found the ORIGINAL, hand-written copy of the tune that my buddy wrote out for me. I only know it as "The Notre Dame Song." Namely, because a couple of guys from Notre Dame wrote the tune. At least that's what I was told when he taught it to me. If you are the author or know of the author please let me know. I'd love to know the story behind it. Anyway, here's the tune. I love it. Seems appropriate for where I am right now anyway... to quote another bud of mine "POSAS"

Enjoy!...

"Notre Dame Song"
-unknown

V1. Just say there was a guy who
Who really like you and
More than a feeling just say
Just say he love you
But the strength was never there
To let you know how much he cared

V2. Maybe he was self-conscious
So insecure in all this
When you're around him he's a wreck.
Maybe that's something you like to do
For waht you put him through
It was all for nothing.

C. When all he wanted was to
Be in love with you
But you just kept leading him on
Well come on, well come on
Somebody might love you

V3. Just say he was a friend who
you grew to be with
and was good to talk to whne you had the time
You never heard it in his voice,
All the times he said nothing

V4. Maybe you like having him wait at your doorstep
Take you to dinner and try to kiss you goodnight
You never noticed in his eyes
although he claims he never cries, and he does

C. When all he wanted was to
Be in love with you
But you just kept leading him on
Well come on, well come on
Somebody might love you

V5. Just say he looked like me and you never noticed it
And maybe he's leaving and it could be forever
Well you probably wouldn't care
'Cause it was like he was never there

V6. Maybe you should think some more
And see what you're doing, know all the troubles
and feel what you've lost
'Cause it would never happen again, even if I wasn't him.

Timing...

So... God's sovereignty seems to be carried out in his rule of timing. At least... that's one of my opinions related to the subject matter. I've been "in between" jobs for a while now and God has absolutely taken care of me- from providing for my basic needs to providing to my deeper needs He is my source. I'm going to be moving soon as yet another one of my roommates is getting married. Go figure. I'm looking into getting my own apartment, to the best of my knowledge I will be starting to work full-time next week. I'm excited. God is good. New chapters in life are fun... yet challenging. But He is ever-faithful.

Dependency...

Greggy-D

"God LOVES it when we take risks... it makes us depend on Him"

This is something that I've heard before. I know it's truth firsthand. Though it was brought up again in a recent conversation related to my future with my former boss here at the church where I've been working. The first decision I have to make is whether I stay in the area and look for a job (which is near to friends, and where I've made considerable connections over the past year), or move home to my folks place and look for job there. It's risky to stay here in the area. My money situation is almost nil... I don't have the next job yet. I know that staying here would make me more dependent on God than if I were to move home. For that reason... I feel like maybe I should stick around. It's where my network is right now too - which is considerable (at least to my advantage).

At any rate... I was praying this morning for God to just provide for me. He is and shall... I need to depend on Him more. Just ten minutes ago or so... I got an offer for my taking on another student in private music lessons. God amazes...

Thank you for your faithfulness, Jesus. Give me the faith to take risks for you.

Joy Robber

Greggy-D There is no reason for a "blah" day. Today may have felt that way, but there is no reason for it. There is plenty to be excited about. I take joy in the sheer fact that I am heir to the throne; a son of God; His creation... sometimes my joy is still a decision. If I don't decide upon it I may leave room for my joy being stolen by the deceitfulness of the Evil One. I give in. Believe his lies, but truth prevails and I decide on joy. Life's "mediocrity" is no more than a lack of vision... a miopia, focused only on the shorthand and not the eternal. My purpose in life is bigger than I can realize on any given day or series of days strung together. I am loved eternally and infinitely. So much that my creator (let alone that He also created EVERYTHING)... gave his own life so that I could be with Him.

Jesus, I am yours. You are the joy giver, and it is you whom I decide upon.