Race Day.

This weekend was amazing! I got to do my 2nd cyclocross race, I played trombone in a musical (4 shows) and I had a hot date! Anyway, I haven't blogged in a while and figured it was about time. Hopefully I can get back in the habit. I am truly blessed :) And SO thankful for it...
BTW, didn't my mom get some great shots? I love the one with the blurry background. I think it's my fav! 

The Power of Confessing...

I'm learning about the power of confessing sins. My friend and I are both learning this. I think what I'm learning in particular, is the power of not only confessing my own sins, but confessing those sins that were done against me.

I mean this in the true sense of confessing when I speak of confessing sins that were done against me. Confessing, not gossiping, not slandering, nor anything that could resemble this in the slightest. The kind of sin that has been done against me gets so easily intertwined with my own sin. It is for that reason that it is confessed... it must be confessed.

What I am learning is to let Christ love me as he lives in a fellow believer. Skeletons, and the kind of sticky darkness that they can be, are the kinds of things that don't get talked about. In the VERY same instance they are the kinds of things that make me question God.

"How could you love me after this, God?!? After THIS? Are you sure you haven't made some mistake? Maybe you didn't see this one in your record book. How could you love me when I'm so vile?"

By not confessing, by not sharing with a fellow believer I'm basically not letting God love on me. I have truly believed that the dark places in my heart are too much for another person's ears to hear... well, that idea - that LIE- gets transferred over to my relationship with God. Namely, that it would be too much for God to hear as well. Fear of rejection basically from people, and Jesus.

Seeing Jesus love me through my friend is powerful. Shards of light got to break up and break into the darkest parts of who I am tonight. Healing occurs with confession. Strength comes with it as well. This only makes sense, because we are all stronger when we are healthy.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

1st John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Greggy-D

Sometimes...

Sometimes, just sometimes...
it is possible to step outside of yourself.
Myself.
And realize that life is bigger than you are.
Bigger than I am.
That God make actually have you play
a role in someone else's life for a change
That you may have the opportunity to serve
in some capacity that is bigger
than figuring out a way
to accomplish your own
my own... selfish desires.

NIV Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Greggy-D

I become less... He becomes more.

My life. My wants. My desires. My goals.

Meaningless... if it isn't about God's Glory. Your will be done, oh God. Not my will, but yours. For it's only in your will that I am truly free. Free to live. Free to want. Free to desire. Free to dance.

Tonight, your holy spirit is a radiant candle within my heart. Reading in Hebrews... I'm astounded to think about the heavens, the very stars extinguishing their light- that they too will pass away, but you won't. They may seem eternal, but they are not; You are. You will fold up this heaven and earth like a garment and put out a new one. You have promised me so much Jesus. Help me to live my life in its entirety to your Glory. Guide my steps. Guide my wants. Guide my desires. I submit to you in humble adoration.

Yours.

Greggy-D

My God will not be shaken...

Though life can toss me about, though my emotions can be affected by life... God is my rock. He is my ever-present help when I struggle. In my darkest moments his light is at its most radiant. My God will not be shaken. I have joy in the midst of sorrow. I am his. I am loved and nothing can seperate me from his lovingkindness. If I have something to brag about it is only in Christ Jesus, and compared to knowing Him everything else is refuse. He is life. Jesus knows my heart better than I do and it is for that very reason that He is the only that can make it whole. He made it.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
'For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39

Let this truth settle deep into my bones as I rest tonight. God let me drop my burdens and carry yours because you promise that yours is light. I need you.
Greggy-D

Have I mentioned...?

After stumbling upon (quite literally, www.stumbleupon.com) the cooking blog, bakingsheet.blogspot.com, I've decided it was high time I post something on mine about food. After all the culinary arts (and all things to do with food) are some of my deepest passions. The above is one of my most recent concoctions from my cuisine cauldron. Caribbean Jerk Tuna with tomatoes, and chunk avocado served with rice. For lunch I had that with a "premature vineyard" (i.e. read: grape juice :-), but I know it would be good with a nice red wine as well. It was delicious!

Anyway, I hope the pic and the descriptions make your mouth water... It does mine. :-)

Sir Gregory 

too much to think about...

Currently you might ask? Tired and grumpy, but overall it's been a good day. I'm just in need of a good bit of slumber.

We began today's adventure at 4am. That's right 4 am! Tossing and turning trying to get the last few drops of sleep that I can muster. I then head out to do my very first triathlon with my sister.

It rains.

Heavily.

The race is pretty much canceled. What's left of it after the barrage (sp?) of weather is a 5k run. I've never kept pace for that sort of distance so my goal was just to be able to run the entire time. I had 3-4 moments where I walked for about 20 feet at a time... but ran the entire length save for those. I finished it at an average speed of 9:20/mi. AWESOME! I hope only improve with time and more training.

Brunch with the incredibly supportive fam.

And afterwards, I went ahead and biked the course. It's just as well that it was canceled. I got a flat in the process. That would have been pretty frustrating to encounter on my first tri.

Rest and talking with a new friend in the afternoon.

My piano students gave thier spring recital this evening and I couldn't be prouder of them. They played wonderfully!

Leading on into the evening...

A buddy of mine was having his engagement party. I was more than happy to be there. Even though there was a good handful of folks that I didn't know there. Good food, good visiting, and a bit of karaoke. The older crowd (parents and the like) left and it was us "young-uns" left at the lake.

My sentiments? I think that if someone is going to drink excessively, then they automatically give up thier rights to get what they want and care for themselves. It reduces them to a state of infancy - complete with temper tantrums. Understandably, I'm WIPED because of the long day, and I'm just looking to go to bed. Karaoke continued well past inebbriation, and then the "liquored-ups" thought it'd be a fun idea to go out past 1am on the boat and cart around a bit. Does anyone else think this is a BAD IDEA? Eulogys don't need to be written after an engagement party. One of the sober folks took action by hiding the keys. That was good.

Sleep still wasn't happening because of all the drama, so I just left and drove home. 20 mins. (For the record... not the best idea to wake someone just to tell them they can sleep somewhere else. Why wake them?) I know my irritation has a lot to do with my perspective though.

So, tired and grumpy. But overall good day.


Following God is at my heartbeat right now. Specifically wondering about his direction for me in the future... :-/

So much on my mind, and it's a good thing that I'm headed to bed now. Rest will do this weary body and soul a lot of good.

May blessings arise for you and yours. Seek out Christ.

Freedom...

From Psalm 86...

10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Something I ponder as of late... God has already proclaimed my freedom. Enabling me to dance in "Fields of Grace" as a popular Christian song says; However, more often than not the above is my vantage point. Not my true position, but it is the self-inflicted perspective which is simply untrue. I believe that the more I ponder and meditate on the fact that I have been "delivered from the depths of the grave" the more I will fall in love with Jesus and the healthier I will be spiritually. 

Another single Saturday night...

Well, I didn't get around to it, maybe I will tomorrow. I was going to watch a movie about Charlie Parker. I did start it, but then I got distracted and lost in my thoughts.

I suppose I just need some sleep. I kind of enjoy these pondersome evenings though. It's a nice chance to reflect on things, and relax. Speaking of... a cup of tea sounds nice right about now. I'll have to do that after I wrap it up here.

***

Jesus, I need you. Fill my heart. Fill this time. Lead me beside quiet waters this evening and let the beginning of tomorrow stir my soul towards you. Help me to die to self... "for to live is Christ and to die is gain"

Thank you for the blessings lately... they've been tremendous :-) You are awesome. May I celebrate in your love for me.

Greggy-D

I had one of the best birthday outings! I went out for sushi with a long time friend and my mom. Afterwards we went to a coffee house where there was an open jazz jam. Of course... I brought my trombone so that I could join in ;-)

Makes my heart flip! I loved it! One of my buddies was able to make it out and then he and I just went to a wine bar to try out a vino rojo. Great ambiance the ENTIRE evening and great conversation. I got home and there was a calming rain for finishing touches. Absolutely wonderful.

Throughout yesterday there were birthday messages in phone calls, ecards, and emails. It was like lil' love sprinklings :-) OH! And when I checked my mail when I got home there was a package of chocolates that was mailed to me from my apartment complex! I was impressed.

Hopefully the celebration will continue throughout the rest of this week... I think I'm gonna be able to out with friends for dinner and live jazz tomorrow, and this weekend will probably be celebrating with the fam.

It doesn't get much better :-) I feel loved.

Laundry...

Do you ever feel like your laundry soap actually includes a shot of miracle grow? I mean... this stuff just seems to keep on coming! (laundry chores that is...)

It's probably one of my least favorite things. I like ironing, and I don't mind loading/unloading the washer and dryer it's just the folding and hanging of articles that I really don't care for.

Baby steps... baby steps...

:-)


Greggy-D

Watering my soul...

I haven't cried in a while, but I do today. Maybe it's the rain... or it could be just this subtle, yet persistant way that God is loving on me. "I love you and because you are mine..."

Jesus waters my soul with these moist cheeks. Though, I'm not sad. Discontent - maybe, but in a good way. I'm in one of the most wonderful places that I can be as a follower of Christ.

I have this insatiable desire to love others, that they would know Jesus more. I long to do ministry, but I feel that right now I'm in a holding pattern waiting for God to flag me down in order to give me instructions in the next part of this journey. He is making me more like himself throughout this process. It is hard. It is rich. It is worth it.

Jesus is my river of life.

Training...

Well, I've signed up to do my first triathlon. May 6th and counting down...

Jogged yesterday, and did my first swim training last night - 350 meters. This morning I biked 17miles. Hopefully as the training continues the actual event won't pose too much of a formidable task.

;-) Maybe I should grow a 'stache like this guy --->

Triathlon registration ~ $70
Gym membership ~40/mo.
Aerodynamic Facial Hair - No. Getting attention for the retro 'stache - Priceless.

When this is all said and done, I'll be the trimmest and in the best shape of my life. I don't have a moustache but I've got the beard thing going on.

I'm loving the challenge!

Brokenness

God you are SO good to me, yet so frustrating at the same time because of my lack of understanding. There are broken relationships in my life that I am helpless to heal or mend to what they used to be. I'm not really even desire the "what used to be"...

I desire NEW - from- OLD.

I just hate the chasm between those that have hurt me and myself. It feels impossible to traverse. I long for the healing and desire mutual laughter, but the fear of being hurt again subsides any wreckless abandon to forge a rope bridge. I don't want to be burned again.

A NEW creation out of the ashes...

Jesus, please be the bearer of the burden of my grief. Your grace is radiant and sufficient.

A Website...

So I thoroughly enjoy writing. I "stumbled upon" this great website for all you creative types: www.oneword.com

Check it out. It's worth a visit. It may help with those late night writers' blocks.

Greggy-D

Practice night

I was going to go see Br549 tonight. Them and the Avett Brothers... It would've been a great concert. Timing is such that I have to practice. There'll be other concerts...

Clean Slate

Instead of going to try out bikes again this weekend; Instead of going out to lunch with new friends; Instead of letting hurt settle into the broken places...

I took some time this afternoon to sit outside, play guitar, and enjoy the weather. I was purposefully going out there to do some songwriting; however, sometimes the most cathartic thing isn't so much the writing as it is having the clean slate - more ways than one in my life right now.

Well, I'm in the process of selecting a new bicycle. I took one out today and took a spill. It's been a long time since I've had some road rash going on... it's a good feeling to be getting myself out there. "Bones knit, wounds heal, and chicks dig scars." It's a challenging thing to find one with the right frame size and the right geometry, but it will be worth it. I look forward to hitting the pavement and hitting the trails. I hope to learn a lot more about cyclocross. Maybe I'll do a race this winter...

We'll see ;-)

Loitering

This taste...
this taste, in my mouth
it lingers
tarrying as it tears apart my insides

A flavor that is more potent
than that of onions, and garlic
Their afterthought is still a "present-thought"
by the way they loiter around my tastebuds
clinging to the thought of a livelihood
that was chewed up long ago

The irony of this acrid, acidity is that
This sulfur: in "the now"
satiated me: in "the then"
with its infantile sweetness.
The taste...

The taste began as juicy and as promising
as delight found in a Navel Orange.
A goblet of goodness past its skin.

Though I've found that once-again...
The rinds have stuck in my teeth.

The once delicious, has soured.
Undergone memory-metamorphasis.

I can't get rid of its membrane! Clinging...
Clinging to between my teeth and gums
like that of irritating gristle after a good steak.
and I'm stuck...

I'm stuck with this flavor...

I'm quite ready to savor the rigors of life-floss, soul-wash,
and a gentle scrubbing of my heart.





Greggy-D

Cup of tea waltz

The water’s boiled
The timing is right
For my thoughts and some tea
By the night’s candlelight

I could drown out the world
With my herbal-brewed spice
Thinkin’ things are so strange
But, “Oh, this is nice”

And by the time I’ve come ‘round
To know my place with myself
I know I’ll be feeling alright

Yes, I am feeling alright.

Greggy-D

Powerful

If God's power is made evident in my weakness, then he is POWERFULLY working in my life. Lately there have been a lot of tears, and a lot of dependence on Him.

I will boast all the more in my imperfections because it is through my weaknesses that His strength is revealed, and made perfect.

It seems like there are so many things that are making me "knee-bent" lately; to relinquish my abilities and control in prayer.

I drove by a middle school today that an old highschool friend of mine went to. It was hard being reminded of her because it brings up so much emotion. She was killed by a drunk driver in 2004 and I am still upset about it. I'm mad with God. I'm frustrated to think that she may have died not knowing Jesus and may not be in Heaven right now. I never knew about the accident until months later and I wish I could have gone to her funeral.

One of our mutual friends was at church tonight. It was good to talk to her. She had been able to attend the funeral, but she admitted that not knowing where our friend stood spiritually was a hard thing about the funeral.

Jesus is teaching me many things about the role he plays in my life, and the needs I have that he satisfies... well basically how only HE can fit in that position. There is no substitute. I'm living on my own (let me clarify... without any roommates) for the first time in my life. It's very hard for me. God is using this time to mold and shape me into a more "Godly" man than I already am. I think he's also using it restore me. I'm a big crier and the last few living/social situations that I've been in were very hindering when it came to me feeling safe enough to be that vulnerable. It's me and God now (and my pet cockatiel;-) and it's safe to cry at ANY time. So... I'm doing it more often.

Here are a few thoughts which comfort me on the subject from an email a friend sent me a while back:

"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly and destroys." - Christian Nevell Bovee
"Let your tears come when they do. Let them water your soul." - Eileen Mayhew "Time engraves our faces with all the tears we've felt but have not shed." - Natalie Clifford Barney "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are like rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, gently soaking and softening our hardened hearts." - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations, 1860

"I run across many people who are afraid to let themselves really cry - afraid that it might look weak and pathetic, afraid that they might never be able to stop, sick and tired of the constant feeling of wanting to, and therefore not truly "allowing" themselves to. But we have the desire to cry for a reason. God gave us this ability for a reason, and it is a blessing, and it has a sacred purpose, so let the tears flow whenever the urge hits. Forget all of the invalid programming of your past, about what's allowed and what's not, what's strong and what's not. Tears are the necessary lubricant of the heart and the place in which the deepest connection to God and each other is possible." - Jim Spivey


It is one of the deepest challenges we face as men. It is my hope that in my ability to fearlessly approach vulnerability... that that is attractive and not viewed as weak or pathetic. That it in turn is what sets apart a "real man" as opposed to one is afraid to cry. This is my hope and my fear at the same time. That latter quote is especially encouraging.

How long has it been since you cried?

My only other thoughts/encouragement comes again from my friend that wrote the email to me:

"For the person who can't start crying and wants to, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it go". It will be hard, spiritual, counter-cultural work for sure. And for the person who can't seem to keep from crying, welling up in tears from the smallest things, and you want to stop, my coaching can only come in the two words, "let it all go".

Greggy-D

possible song...

I’ve danced a lot of dreams
Past the evergreen’s meadow
In springtime

She’s out there somewhere
Coaxing me to the water’s edge
Again

Come the floods of emotion
The rush of it all
The rapids always entice me

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind.

Tattered rock’s edges lent
To the ebb and the flow
Have been smoothed over with time

Take hold of my hand
As the waters carve forward
Let the adventure begin
Oh, Let the adventure begin

Can you see a wink in my smile,
When I caught that glimmer in your eye?
Though nothing was said
I could feel all the while
The steps to this dance in my mind

New Creation

Broken vessels all are we

Wounded Warriors

Pottery

My wasted heart

These dry tear evenings

Need some God-healing

Epoxy for my soul

I'm learning a lot about God's role in my life. There are places and ways that Jesus fits into the mix where no one else possibly can in my life. It's a hard lesson to learn, but it is also to His glory that only HE can fully satisfy.

The poem above isn't necessarily written out of this vain of thought. I wrote a couple of days ago and just wanted to be sure it got posted. If you see the correlation or not it wasn't intentional.

I heard a powerful sermon a while back about how God makes us a NEW creation. The concept goes like this: I think when we think about about that we think about "newness" in terms of a new timeline, a fresh start, beginning again; However, God's making of us as a "new creation" is more radical than that. Going with the poem illustration...

if we are broken vessels, it's not like the cracks and fissures just went away and we are another new pot/vessel. It's like going from being a broken vessel, to being a bannana, or a parachute, or something else... it's not a fixing of the old thing just to get a fresh beginning at being that old thing again. No. It is a complete and utter transformation into something COMPLETELY...

New.

I'll forever be a student of two things: What it truly means to be a follower of Jesus...

and women.

My New Year's Thoughts...

To quote someone close:

“You ready?!? Well… HERE WE GO! Another trip around the sun!!!” Kind of like that moment just as you coast over the very top of the first drop on a roller coaster.

I don’t really want to make any new year’s resolutions. I don’t want to have any intentions of grandiose ideas that I’m not sure that I can keep. I think it’s a whole lot better to have periodic assessments of myself and do my best to determine what areas of my life that I could improve upon. Something I have been pondering a lot lately is what are the areas of my life that are idols- anything that I pay more attention to over God; anything that I make more important to me than Him. I can think of a few… pride (anything “ME” centered); course doesn’t that some it up? I mean it seems to be at the root of anything else. I guess I’ll leave it at that. Bottom line is… I’m learning that a lot of my struggles (read… “self-inflicted heartache”), have to do with a lack of worship, or in general a lack of Jesus-focus. How can I run a straight course if I’m looking at my feet the whole time as opposed to the finish line?

Jesus never claimed that following Him is easy. It’s not, but it’s good.

Happy New Year, and HERE WE GO!!!

WHEEEEEeeeeeeeeee……..!